I want to be emotionally available when my kids come over tonight, and I think that losing a few hours towards the progress of my career is a small sacrifice towards gaining whatever insights and treasures await us 3 tonight.
This solitude is a difficult thing for me. I find myself seeking companionship and being drawn towards the available, ready and willing comforts that would swoon me away as a siren, from the lessons and secrets revealed in this place. But right now I'm committed to real change, to a sober and reflective and introspective appreciation for me and for what I want, need, and deserve. It's selfish, I believe, and for once in my life I'm trying to learn that this kind of selfishness is really a good thing. This solitude. This gift.
And in reality I am not alone...there are some amazing people...and quite possibly angels...around me providing intricate, insightful and inspired pieces of clarity and cleansing, healing time. It's hard not to give something back immediately. But I believe what I have to give is bigger than me right now...and it is absolutely something I can not yet understand. So I'm going with it and trying to trust my heart. It's only for me at the moment. It still has healing to do.
Today, on the advice of my friend Amy, I channeled some excess negative emotion and released it as far away from myself as it would go. Thanks, A...that was a solid. I feel amazing.
Today I caught myself getting caught up in a familiar spin of miscommunication and misdirection with Marissa and stopped it all and hugged her and made sure that she knew who I am and that I am ok, and that she is my best friend. She is. Thanks, Babymama...it's pretty amazing being on such a good page with you. You have been amazing to me. I love you.
I'm feeling grateful and energized and clear headed and confident again. This new year has come at a monumental time for me, and the symbolic has turned into the real, for the first time that I can recall. And I have no idea what lies ahead...no control over what will come...and no fear of any of it.