And it just happens to be 11:11...not planned, just serendipitous. It's another new year, and ending of a heavy chapter, and most importantly...a fucking beginning that has been a long time coming.
This last epoch of my life has had it's ups and downs, and I have made some moves. Sometimes they are backwards, or lateral, but I have also managed to move forward at almost every opportunity. I want to do a better job at that now. I've committed to some serious changes and marked them just like most cliche'd resolutors, by the lap around the sun. I'm going to try and make this update more of the daily ritual if I can, a journaling of my thoughts the way that it has the power to take the transformed word, and change my words into action. The action of the writing of my goals and my hopes and my fears as important as any first step in any journey...it all begins somewhere.
So here I am, at the beginning of what I think has the power to be the most amazing and growth filled year of my entire life. I say this with all sincerity, having found myself in yet another bottom emotionally very recently after some life-changing personal events sent me spinning down into a bit of an abyss. This time around, however, I have been aware of some differences despite myself, and they are the very real, very appreciated, and very spiritually balanced angels around me. They take many shapes and forms, and I am positive that the ones I don't see behind me in the darkest hours are the ones working the hardest.
Well, my angels, allow me to give you a little break from your duty...I won't say it's permanent, because whatever brought you to me for my protection is a connection that I hope to some day repay in whatever way that is possible...and part of me believes that the only possibility I have left is to take flight myself.
I'm making some more permanent and lasting and COMPLETE physical adjustments to how I treat my body and my mind. I am seeking a deeper level of sobriety and bodily cleanliness than I have known for over 20 years. It fills me with a profound amount of hope and joy and it strips some of my fears just with the awareness that respecting the temple that supports my mind will thrust me into the most amazing state of being that I have known in my life...I have the gift of combining hard knocks and wisdom with strength and an intestinal fortitude that only a few of my personal heroes have ever really shown to exist. I have no doubt that there are bigger challenges than even what I can comprehend in front of me but I do know of a few of them that are knocking at the door of my January and promising me to burn the fire hotter than I have known and force me to walk right through it.
Fucking. Bring. It. On.
Every year that goes by brings me closer to the day when Sean and Ireland will find themselves reading into me in a way that I have not yet been able to express to them in person...although our dialogue over this last month has in fact grown more open and deeper than I could have EVER imagined, with quiet peace and truth at the core of our relationship...this blog of mine has a different level of candor, and so I say to you kids, when you've landed here soon: Your dad has had struggles and I do not hide them in this place. And that's OK, because you will have choices to make and decisions in your youth that will be about how far you want to go in this life, and in this next year, I intend to show you what real focus, real clarity, and real concentrated effort out of love for myself and for you is all about. I will be walking the walk.
I love you two, and you have given me cause and strength.
And to you other angels out there that have shown me a ton of support in this last couple of months, and been there right at the bottom...heads up: I'm on my way up again. Thank you.
I remember one hater making a comment on my blog a few years back that it's a selfish or ego-based thing I'm doing here...that I make myself into the hero in my stories. Well you couldn't be more right about that. This isn't about you. This is about me. I'm doing me. And I'm back after it again with nothing holding me back.