Monday, November 18, 2013

It's hard

If I'm being completely honest, this is an incredibly painful process.

Part of me thinks that your approach with the drama and the hanging on to every shred of anger and resentment might be effective because I would bet that if you were attempting to be more civil about this breakup then I would be tempted by the literally thousands of great memories into falling back into something that, at the end of the day, was pretty unhealthy for both of us.

But I just can't help feeling so much sadness and resentment that it's never going to be the same again, and that you would put me in the place of being such an evil person throughout this whole thing.

When you laid it on me that it was over, you were finding a new place, and you didn't want to talk, I definitely had a negative reaction. What did you expect from me!? To pretend that you weren't my entire life for the better part of the last 5 years!? You know I wear it on my sleeve. And for every "horrible and angry" thing that you claim I have done, there was an equal remark, action or behavior from you as well. This has always been the two of us, so I guess the hardest part for me in all of it is that you took away my absolute best friend in the whole world, and want to pretend that we didn't have what we did.

I don't want to try and salvage it. I got it that night when you left me behind that you were done. I'm sorry for letting it get there, and I know that deep down the reasons that you had to do what you had to do were inevitable if you were ever going to have a clean chance at moving in another direction in your life. And that's the reason I didn't chase you this time, Anna. Because I want you to have that chance.

Because I love you.

There's so much more to say about that right now, but I know it's not the time for you to hear it. I had to delete the last post despite the honesty I wrote it with, because I couldn't suffer you finding some reason to criticize me for singing your praises. That's not right. Maybe some day I'll write them up again. I hope they aren't continually tarnished the way this last week has attempted to do. You aren't making it any easier, that's for sure.

I just hope that you can see through some of the excessive amounts of conflict and drama that you have created in this situation very soon, and that we can have some form of loving dialogue again…as friends, as two human beings that have cared deeply and lovingly about each other…as two partners who have fought against many odds, and ultimately lost, but who were on the same side.

I'm still on your side, even if you don't care to see it, even if you want to deny it, and even if I have ruined my chances about ever experiencing a friendship with you again by telling your family exactly what I think of them and their version of "support" for you. I understand that's what you want and need right now, and I don't fault you for building this wall up but I hope you leave a little daylight at the top, or in a crack here and there so that perhaps…down the road…on occasion…we can say Hi.

I fucking miss you, Anna. This pain is damn near unbearable.

I sincerely hope, from the bottom of my heart, even if it means you have to hate me to find strength right now, that you are good, that you are safe, that you remember how much I have loved you and you realize in your heart that I always, always will.

You were right to move on. I was doing the best I knew how. We needed to quit letting each other down. But you and I were on fire the whole time, weren't we? God damn it was a hell of a fire. I know it became hard to understand or handle, but please, Anna…stop trying to use it to burn us completely down. I'm so proud of so much of what we have shared and done together. I am so proud of you in so many ways. I don't need to nor do I want to hate you or even ignore my love for you just so that we can move on.

Please dig a little deeper. You are better.

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