Monday, December 9, 2013

Taking a break

I had to face the reality of how severe the damage has been today. It's too much to even post about anymore. It's all negative. I'm filled with just about everything except love at the moment, and that's not what I want to do, so if you can't say something nice...

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Insert F Bomb here

Honestly I just want to text or write or call or anything right now. Despite the fact that every single attempt to be civil or sweet or forgiving or apologetic has been blown up like Hiroshima. It doesn't even matter to me, I just can't help the desire to fill this huge empty void in my existence with what I would normally fill it up with. I want to ask how your day is going, to be there to cheer you up, to squeeze and hold and love on you like so many times before.

But I know that the nicest thing I can probably conceive is to live through this and keep it to myself and just keep trying to let it pass and that way you won't have to struggle or question or change your mind, because I don't want you to be unhappy.

Close with another F-bomb.

James Blake - The Wilhelm Scream from Alexander Brown on Vimeo.

Thursday, November 28, 2013


Today I am thankful for a number of things. But having just enjoyed a beautiful dinner at my brother's house, surrounded by everything I need and want in my life, I'm going to say that I am unbelievably thankful for Paddy. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my brother. 

Monday, November 25, 2013

Thursday, November 21, 2013

I guess I'm the "un"

Unfriended. Unfollowed. Under-appreciated, I have to say.

But that's OK…I have an idea of how unbelieveably hard this must be for you.

And at the end of it all…like I told the kids last night…I am so undeniably PROUD of you for doing what you need to do. Happiness is found from within…and we all need to find it there first.


By the way, they are good, and they miss you tremendously. Duh.

Now if you could just un-tangle the understandably confusing amount of ideas in your head about who you are and who I am and who we can be, then perhaps you will allow me the opportunity to show you what I can be like as your friend and former…

Or don't. Maybe you want to believe I'm the bad guy. My mustache certainly supports that notion, but I never tried to tie you to the train tracks.

I hope you are truly finding peace and happiness.

This has been a message to the universe, traveling through light and electricity, destined for no-where in particular, and just as likely to crash into you as I was several times already in this life.

Monday, November 18, 2013

It's hard

If I'm being completely honest, this is an incredibly painful process.

Part of me thinks that your approach with the drama and the hanging on to every shred of anger and resentment might be effective because I would bet that if you were attempting to be more civil about this breakup then I would be tempted by the literally thousands of great memories into falling back into something that, at the end of the day, was pretty unhealthy for both of us.

But I just can't help feeling so much sadness and resentment that it's never going to be the same again, and that you would put me in the place of being such an evil person throughout this whole thing.

When you laid it on me that it was over, you were finding a new place, and you didn't want to talk, I definitely had a negative reaction. What did you expect from me!? To pretend that you weren't my entire life for the better part of the last 5 years!? You know I wear it on my sleeve. And for every "horrible and angry" thing that you claim I have done, there was an equal remark, action or behavior from you as well. This has always been the two of us, so I guess the hardest part for me in all of it is that you took away my absolute best friend in the whole world, and want to pretend that we didn't have what we did.

I don't want to try and salvage it. I got it that night when you left me behind that you were done. I'm sorry for letting it get there, and I know that deep down the reasons that you had to do what you had to do were inevitable if you were ever going to have a clean chance at moving in another direction in your life. And that's the reason I didn't chase you this time, Anna. Because I want you to have that chance.

Because I love you.

There's so much more to say about that right now, but I know it's not the time for you to hear it. I had to delete the last post despite the honesty I wrote it with, because I couldn't suffer you finding some reason to criticize me for singing your praises. That's not right. Maybe some day I'll write them up again. I hope they aren't continually tarnished the way this last week has attempted to do. You aren't making it any easier, that's for sure.

I just hope that you can see through some of the excessive amounts of conflict and drama that you have created in this situation very soon, and that we can have some form of loving dialogue again…as friends, as two human beings that have cared deeply and lovingly about each other…as two partners who have fought against many odds, and ultimately lost, but who were on the same side.

I'm still on your side, even if you don't care to see it, even if you want to deny it, and even if I have ruined my chances about ever experiencing a friendship with you again by telling your family exactly what I think of them and their version of "support" for you. I understand that's what you want and need right now, and I don't fault you for building this wall up but I hope you leave a little daylight at the top, or in a crack here and there so that perhaps…down the road…on occasion…we can say Hi.

I fucking miss you, Anna. This pain is damn near unbearable.

I sincerely hope, from the bottom of my heart, even if it means you have to hate me to find strength right now, that you are good, that you are safe, that you remember how much I have loved you and you realize in your heart that I always, always will.

You were right to move on. I was doing the best I knew how. We needed to quit letting each other down. But you and I were on fire the whole time, weren't we? God damn it was a hell of a fire. I know it became hard to understand or handle, but please, Anna…stop trying to use it to burn us completely down. I'm so proud of so much of what we have shared and done together. I am so proud of you in so many ways. I don't need to nor do I want to hate you or even ignore my love for you just so that we can move on.

Please dig a little deeper. You are better.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

This one's just for you.

Updated 11.15.

Anna, you suggested that I didn't write this for you. In fact it's the opposite…when you left you expressed concern about what kind of stories I would be telling other people about you. That's why i wrote this post…so that you would be clear on exactly what I have to say about you to the world. 

That's why I posted it here…but I've removed it. Don't know if you saw it or not.

Wish you well. 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save.
When their spirit departs, they return
to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to

Friday, September 13, 2013

Dear Mom ...the revision

R1:'s funny, I only took out 3 words and one additional sentence, and now it reads the way which I intended. It's funny that it took me so long to digest and process that the whole point of this piece was originally to communicate the nature of my heart to one person and one person only, and it's good that I have learned that I will not dishonor the past to acknowledge the truth about now. Indeed, it's just the opposite.

Mom, I meant this really for you, and like any writer, I probably still haven't finished this property, so enjoy this revision if you would. xo


As I grow older, wiser and more thankful for the many gifts that surround me every day, I can't help but appreciate what you have done for me and for our whole family for the last 38 years. The amazing piece  of work that you have crafted over this period of time demonstrates without apology your true mastery in the Art of Parenthood. You have raised some very amazing children and as a result have been immortalized in time through their smart, talented, kind, soulful, heart full  and beautiful children. Your gifts of love and persistence grow deeper every day.

I can not count the times through my own childhood and even adulthood when you have been there, unconditionally and without question for whatever I needed. I am only here today having had such a charmed existence because you were always there to catch me when I fell down and pick me back up and shove me forward again. You have been my life since day one and never took a moment off duty for any of us, your children. I can never ever thank you enough for showing me what true love really is. 

All I can do is pray and work and strive to be the man that has both the ability and generosity that you have had always, so that maybe someday I can do my part to repay you in your own time of need.

Mom, I truly want nothing more than to have been as good of a parent to my kids as you were to me, and as amazing of a child as I have been so absolutely FORTUNATE to witness you be to your own parents. You are truly an amazing woman, whose most triumphant success is here and now and growing with love every single day because you were so good at - so meant to do- what you have done as a real parent and the most important fiber in the fabric of the society I wish to improve. 

I love you. 

Thank you. 


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Sunday Night Observations

It may sound silly based on their age difference, the limited amount of time they have really spent together, or any other reason I could come up with to doubt what I just noticed...but it sure seems to me that Sean Patrick and Hudson Patrick are already forming some kind of bond. I watched them tonight...from a distance mostly...and Sean sure loves that little boy. He gets to see what so many saw in little Sean, but from the other side. And he is patient and sweet and lives for the belly laughs and wildness inside of Hudson that I can't help but be affected by in a profound way. It's like watching my little brother, Paddy...Hudson's dad...all over again.

Life is impossible to understand, full of surprises, beautiful, and best enjoyed awake. 

Tonight was another great dinner at Mark and Richelle's. I'm the luckiest guy I know for so many reasons, but their loving household is the exact kind of place where some cool observations like these ones can happen for a kid like me. 

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Hi Pops

I was thinking about you tonight. I looked up to the sunset over the Sierras and the sky was on fire with a red that burned...full of an energy and strength that seemed somehow familiar. I've seen you up there before and I like that I can find you there...when I need to. 

I miss you a lot. 

Monday, August 19, 2013

My Monkeys

If nothing else, I can say without question that these two little loves always want to be active and I love that about them. 

Like the shirt says...this is what's next. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Yeah, me too.

Powerful and True.

So just do me this kindness and dedicate 4 minutes to this dialogue today.

Here's the reason: This commentator is accurate in what is going to come of this situation; we are creating a place in society where we will have to call ourselves Sluts in order to demonstrate that the term has been manipulated and used against women to put them into a no-win situation, and we want to give that power back to them.

So before I have to start calling my little daughter a slut someday, please just open your mind up to the situation at hand: we aren't giving women much of a choice here. OWN UP to your hypocrisy and TEACH your daughters and your sons what damage judgement and hypocrisy can breed.

Thank you.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

One of the hardest things to do in this life is to take the wisdom of experience and honor who we have become as the result of life lessons learned. It's also one of the most important things we can do. And when we have children, whom we love with all of our heart and wish only for the best and most rewarding experience, with the benefit of loving guidance based on having been through our own version of this passage, we owe it to them to be honest...with them...with ourselves. 

History repeats itself. We shouldn't force our shortfalls on those we wish to guide. 

And we need to count on those who we cherish to be worthy of our trust. 

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Back to the thing

I realized this weekend that I may have been neglecting a few people that actually do, on occasion, click their way over to this part of the world, and for that I'm sorry. I haven't carved out a lot of time as of late for telling the story. I'm busy on the side of "doing something worthy of writing about" (at least I hope...time will tell), and not keeping up with the daily "Doogie Howser", as one long lost friend of mine likes to label this blog. 

Well, I will be changing that. Ill be trying to add pictures but also take enough time out of the day to string together what I believe will be palatable and hope to be articulate if not also witty clusters of words that share with you just how far along the "evolution" has come...

The 4th of July weekend began with my favorite summertime activity: floating the river I have lived the majority of my life on with the people I love the most in the world. Merrily we floated and took some time to relax and laugh. 

On Friday I got to take another half-day and swing the proverbial sticks for the first time all year. Ligon and Cashill are always worth getting up at 5am for. The best company I could hope to have, and the ones that have been with me the longest. I was filled with gratitude to have such a great morning. 

The highlight if the weekend, however, was when for the first time in 5 years I got to attend the annual fireworks show at the Graeagle Mill Pond, WITH my kiddos. Also in attendance were Marissa and Chet, Anna, Dick and Sharon, and a beautifully irreverent band of American scenesters and nostalgists all looking for a little piece of this light and explosion filled dream that we share. And for the first time in as many circles around the sun I was delighted, amazed and taken back to my own childhood sense of awe as huge colorful bursts of fire ignited far too close to my eyes and the earth below to be within what I assume are the safety code regulations of our was perfect. As time goes on I plan on hanging tightly to these things that I love, cherishing the parts they all played in making my childhood so ideal, and my growth so tempered by the love and support which has allowed my own children to have something to believe in as well. 

I have been called an All American before. It has never upset me. 

Graciously hosting us in the little village in the woods was the always pleasant family I'm proud to call a part of mine, the Cashills. Pat, Johnna, Charlotte, McKenzie, Kate, Ryan and my dear, old, loyal, cherished friend John: thank you for bringing me back to the place I got to know you all. This journey would be such a bore without the very special colors you consistently reflect upon my path. 

Happy Fourth!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Hey Kids

The way I see it, you two will likely discover my blog some day, and at that point, I'll have a lot of 'splaining to do...something about do as I say and not as I do...language, temper, ranting...whatever happens to be the topic of choice.

But when you do stumble upon this place where I infrequently post pictures, thoughts, rants, and the like, just know this:

I could not be more in love with two perfect human beings than I am with you two. You have shown me what life is all about. You make me so proud, every single day. You guys love with all of your hearts. You laugh and play and live life every day in a way that I wish every one else on earth could just get a taste of. You are the best thing I have ever been a part of, and I am the absolute luckiest, most blessed, humbled man for having been chosen to be your father.

Thank you for constantly making this life worth every challenging moment that I have ever been confronted with.

You guys are way beyond amazing. You are way more than words will ever express.

I love you.


Thursday, March 28, 2013

TBT has begun...

...I'm enjoying these lately. Good memories make for good sails.

From within, from without

If you want to change the view, you have to put your nose down and start hiking up. As the air thins, and the light introduces sky to the horizon, lowering and engulfing the land below, and the dark creases of the valley from which you climbed sink away like a wrinkle of the past, it’s ok to look up and see the path ahead of you, still long and winding, switching back with more intensity as the slope of the peak climbs more steeply closer to the top…but it’s there. It’s just a few short pushes away. It’s inside of you, your destiny, stirring the emotions and physical manifestations of joy and pain, fear and courage and strength in the face of adversity manifest in this moment, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be. My path is still, quiet and dark and I feel deep in a valley. This longest push of my life is teaching me so much and so much have I yet to learn. A benefit of having my head down for so long is the opportunity for introspection, the late night soft Kubrikian light tempting my attention oft away for a break from the dull familiar weight of a work that’s much more than such cynicism allows…this work, this task, this duty, this beautiful life and those that surround me on my journey…be they angels just close enough to illuminate my night’s path, or the cherubs and their laughter popping in and out for so long as to fill my heart up with just enough of love’s sweet truth to push me on further, and higher and harder, more dedicated and determined than ever I’ve known I could be. It’s the strength that’s the lesson and the gift, and when that horizon I know starts to shed God’s gracious light on my face, sweet Dawn how I’ll never forget what you taught me by your absence. My heart has grown stronger. My mountain is a massive one. My journey is one heavy with the charge of bringing with me those rare, special few that shall share and reveal they are the reasons I’ll ever even get to enjoy such a view...I can see it now. It's inside me. It's our destiny. May the road take me high enough to share moments again with the souls that have been there before me. May I have the courage to listen to the wind. May God be with us all.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Copper Coast

Thanks to my cousin, Maurice Fitzgerald, for sending us up the Copper Coast today. We ended up driving into a double ended rainbow that ended right at our car as we traversed the scenic Irish roads. It was an amazing sight that no picture will truly capture but was golden in a way that I will always remember. Just like the Irish people, this day has been beautiful.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ireland 2013

 Catching up with Liam and Kathleen at the family's estate in Knocknagoshel.Ireland 2013Ireland 2013Ireland 2013Ireland 2013
Ireland 2013Ireland 2013Ireland 2013Ireland 2013Ireland 2013Ireland 2013
Ireland 2013Ireland 2013Today I spread some of Pop's ashes here...Glenncatha (glen-cahah), which means "the field of the battle". Prefect spot for a man who never backed down from one. Miss you, Pops.Ireland 2013Vikings were here.In Galway.

Ireland 2013, a set on Flickr.

If you're following my trip, you'll probably want to check these pictures out as I go.