Monday, September 26, 2011

I want a pep talk

It's strange being in an office that I was once upon a time coached in. Sitting in a space, trying to figure it out, praying that it will work or get better or change, knowing that the one who listened and actually heard, spoke when he knew it would make a difference, challenged me at every opportunity, and cared about every detail, is gone.

I wish I were on the football field, or the court, or the battlefield, or somewhere that I could count on the pressure from outside to be as loud as the pressure from within. I want to fucking scream sometimes, but all that would do is scare the shit out of my dog, and the neighbors.

I talk to the mentors I have left on occasion, and catch a glimpse of reinforcement, of validation, of awareness that I am fighting the good fight. There are still people out there that I look up to and care about impressing. In a world full of so many selfish, lazy and hurtful people, it's a rare and wonderful blessing that I have any at all, but I know I do. And I care about what they think.

But I miss the guy that could go toe to toe with me when I needed my head readjusted. I miss the only one who wouldn't back down from fear of my temper because he gave it to me. I miss the moment of clarity when he would reinforce every fucking perfect rule that he instilled and every ounce of faith that he knew how to find. I miss the man who was as much a coach as he was a boss, an ear, a father.

I won't dwell in pity any more right now. Instead, I'll get back to what I think I need to do. I'll speak from memory, from experience and from my heart when I lend one of the many voices in my head to the memory that created it and talk to myself:

Stick with it.
Nobody is ever given more than he is capable of handling.
Count your blessings.
Be kind to those around you.
Be humble.

Thanks, dad.


Erin said...

I miss him too. I can only imagine what it was like to have someone so similar to yourself, but older and wiser, who could be all of those things for you. God, however, knows you better than you know yourself and loves you more than any human being ever has or ever will. He sees every good thing on the outside and on the inside of who he created you to be. He beams with joy when he sees you using the gifts and talents that he gave you. He sees your blood, sweat, and tears. He will NEVER leave you.

Anonymous said...

He taught you those things because he knew: 1. He would not always be around. 2. You would become the teacher.
Circle of life, dude.
Clear the brain of the clutter of "how I wish it were different" and add to the brain "how can I be THAT man, now, in the present"
You can do it. You have all you alwlays have. peace.