Friday, October 22, 2010

Dear Paul & Dad

Just so you two know, you are both my heroes. You guys have huge balls, amazing strength, and big hearts. You are both, in your own way, the Man in the Arena. And since Teddy said it best, I'll leave it to him to describe in words that I can't make any better:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Take a break for style points

It was hat day. Everybody else wore crazy hats. He wore a cool one...backwards...his shirt was on backwards, too...just because.

Makes me wanna: Jump! Jump!!

My little daddy mack.

I love this moment, right before he realizes I showed up to pick him up from school instead of his Bobo. This kid makes me smile.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Little things I like right now

Blue eyes.
Head nods.
Thumbs ups.

Intestinal fortitude.

I've seen a lot of those things today. They make me happy.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


There's a much more detailed post in the making...marinating in my head as we speak. Until then, the short version, aka: why I don't have the time or energy for more. Dad's in ICU right now recovering from an experimental brain surgery that has never been done before. Nobody knows what to expect.

He had his game face on going into it. What else would he do? He's Pat Egan.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

In that moment

I was just watching a show on Nat'l Geo or Animal Planet or something like that. There was a re-enactment of these 3 dudes who were in this smaller plane that started to have engine issues as they headed into the face of a mountain. The pilot banked the plane but it wouldn't pull up, and inevitably there was the ground coming up really fucking fast. The guy in the back seat interjected a dialogue as the plane in the re-enactment was about to eat dirt. The TV pans from plane to survivor as the story dives on. He says, "I heard we were going down and I had about 15 seconds to say to myself - I've had a good life."

What would you think in that moment...if you can actually ponder that. I don't know if I could, but I have been close to something like that, and I remember what I went something like this: "This is gonna fucking hurt"

Yeah, I guess those are two perspectives. One takes into account the future, while one stays in the moment. When you break it up like that, it almost seems like a spiritual discussion. But the reality of what either perspective actually MEANS to the situation is that it just doesn't matter. What happens, happens.

But I think I prefer to live in the moment, brace myself for impact, keep my eyes wide open for the split second when I might be able to duck, dive, jump, or eat shit...and respect the fact that moments in life when we can feel truly alive are few and far between, and Jesus Fucking Christ, here we go.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What's wrong with this picture?

Answer: Plenty.

The truth is that a lot of things in this world are simply not in order. The more I try to put things in order, or expect them to follow certain rules, the more I get slapped with a little chaos right across the grill. I blame myself for not ever learning that there is no control...expectations lead to let downs, and the only way to Be is to roll with the punches.

Sometimes, in the toughest, most stressful moments, it's actually quite beneficial to enjoy the chaos, and look for the smiles that exist therein.

And I'm aware of something else that's true: Not only can I not control what's happening to me all the time, but I sure as hell can't control what's happening to others, or opine on their choice of how to deal with them. It's their own bowl of chaos that they have to eat. Everybody I know is doing pretty good anyway.

So what do I do when I find myself standing in the hospital room with my Grandma and my Dad, wondering what the fuck is this all about? Go have lunch with Grandma in the cafeteria, of course. It was Chinese food day. Pretty decent, actually.

Monday, October 4, 2010


Not the place I thought I would watch it, but the company was nice. Hung out for a while with Pops & Bec. Then let them be. Sounds like Dad will be in there for a couple of nights, possibly...I'll update soon.